On U.S. Foreign Policy

Dear All,

As the smoke starts to clear following the Democrat fracas, and it seems more and more plausible that the White House will be inhabited by a sentient being as of this November, thoughts are turning to what policy change might be in the air. The appalling state of the marmoset industry, the Virginian toast buttering scandal and foreign outsourcing of aglet production are just three domestic issues which must be addressed as a matter of the utmost urgency if the U.S. is to avoid going down the same road as Mesopotamia did in the 1950's. Of more concern to us in the outer-suburbs though is American foreign policy. I will summarise the three most pressing problems facing a future inhabitant of the Oval Office smoking jacket and fez.

1.The Middle East

Foreign policy has long been a spiny protuberance in the fleshy part of the lateral abdomen for American presidents since William Taft managed to lose both his wooden leg and South Dakota in a poker match with the Shah of Iran. With the aid of a good length of string, a compass and some sort of divining rod you can almost demonstrate a straight line from that incident to the current situation in the Middle East. In fact, mention the region in a room full of career diplomats and watch even the most hardened embassy jockey cough nervously, mutter something about an urgent podiatrist's appointment and quickly leave the room faster than you can say "geopolitical quagmire with the potential to destabilise multi-lateral relations on a quasi-global scale." And yet the solution is surprisingly simple. It's here somewhere. Maybe under these biscuits. No? Remind me to get back to it later.

2.The lesser of two axes of evil.

Taking action in regard to countries such as North Korea, Iran and Syria is fraught with dangers for the new statesperson. My advice is start off with slightly less formidable targets. Iceland and New Zealand both contain vast reservoirs of geo-thermal energy and as yet, have not admitted UN weapon inspectors. How long is such cheek to be endured? Damned insolent rotters!

3.The United Nations.

The dignity and efficacy of the UN needs to be restored. This can be achieved in three ways

(1) A greatly expanded Security Council with the chair being rotated on an annual basis.

(2) Greater accountability and more transparent administration at all levels

(3) The immediate removal of any countries with risible names that undermine the dignity of this august body - Burkina Faso, Uruguay and any country with at least one Z in its name would be the first to be given the pink slip and a map to the international dole office.

As a minor aside, perhaps the Dutch situation should be reviewed as well. Suspicion is growing in diplomatic ranks that Holland and the Netherlands are in fact one and the same country, and giving them two votes in the General Assembly is being a tad over-generous, no matter how much we all enjoy the sight of grown men in mahogany footwear.

Thank you for your time

On Crime and Punishment

Dear All

On a recent snorkelling trip to Tuscany, a rogue dentist on a scooter stole my overbite while I was standing at the traffic lights. This started me pondering the subject of crime and how we address this issue in a caring and humane society. Or even New Zealand for that matter.

It was Cicero in 46 B.C., or possibly 1847 - I get a bit hazy with dates after my post-breakfast port, who said, "The twin pillars of crime prevention are prompt capture, speedy judgement and violent retribution." Cicero also said that it was OK to wear a purple toga with orange sandals so perhaps we should be a little circumspect when considering his advice. His point, though, is still relevant in today's society (the point about crime prevention, not togas). Recent research showed that 87% of Australian television current affairs programmes are concerned about the rise in crime.


Let us consider the approach of two different societies. Recent research from Sweden is promising. In selected prisons, hardened recidivists have been punished by being given reduced wine lists with their meals. In the case of particularly recalcitrant felons, the prison sommelier is only allowing access to the '85 Chateauneuf-du-Pape rather than the more fancied, and some would say over-rated '84 vintage. The rate of repeat offences in almost all crimes has decreased markedly, with the notable exception of wine bar heists which have increased by 372%.



"That's all very well for those feisty fun-loving Scandinavian thugs," I hear you say, despite the purely visual medium I'm working in. "What about cities where crime is endemic. What about Reykjavik?" I would respond by asking you to step outside if you dare criticise my Icelandic chums again. Instead, let's look at a more celebrated case - New York City in the 1970s.



It's hard to imagine the climate of fear abroad in the Big Apple in those heady days. This is best exemplified by the crimes carried out by the notorious serial killer, Arthur 'The Notorious Serial Killer' Watson. His killing spree was all the more noteworthy because he taunted the investigating detectives with cryptic clues left at the scene of the crime such as signed confessions and detailed maps showing his whereabouts for the following two weeks. In one famous incident he actually assisted the pathologist at the autopsy of one of his victims, frequently dropping such comments as "A six inch gash to the abdomen! What was I thinking?" and "Hmmm. That mutilated torso looks familiar." He was finally caught while trying to put on a pair of pants during the 1977 St. Patrick's Day Parade. Unfortunately for him, those very same pants were being worn by the District Attorney at the time.



This, and crimes like it led to the the introduction of a policy of extreme tolerance. The NYPD were encouraged to round up suspects and take them to a Broadway musical or fringe theatre piece of their choice. When this made little impression on the crime rate, a rethink led to the introduction of zero tolerance and the rest, as they say, is history.



Thank you for your time.

On the Mission Statement

Dear All,

In this era of all-encompassing dunderheadedness it will the aim of this blog to illuminate those who read it. Short essays on the issues of the day that affect you, me and that moron who sits next to you on the bus and listens to Icelandic Euro-trance at a volume that is probably fusing whatever functioning neurones haven't decided to cut their losses and die in a whimpering, quivering mass. Well, maybe not him, but certainly you and me.

These missives will be aimed at the chronologically and empirically challanged. Let's foreclose the mortgage on ignorance, break the brittle back of stupidity, snap the swizzle stick of cretinism and whip the corpse of the deceased equine (metaphorically and literally depending on the laws in your state and the broad-mindedness of your neighbours).

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us.

Thank you for your time.