Dear All
Editor of Die Katzemitkartoffelzeitung, Heinrich Muttergottenhammer, once said "Morgen fahre ich mit dem Zug nach Heidelberg." Despite having uttered those words in 1765 he encapsulated the essential dilemma that faces the modern newspaper today. The fact that he was born in 1766 need not bother us here. What is important is that he nailed his colours to the mast, which proved a little inconvenient when he needed to wear them to softball practice.
The newspaper was once the prime purveyor of information to a data hungry populace and major supplier of insulation for avian accommodation. Now it faces a future as uncertain as it is futuristic. It seems a sad demise for a medium which has spanned several centuries of illustrious innovation - from the use of movable type in the 17th century through to the invention of the bingo card in the 20th. What has brought this once proud documenter of the doings of kings and common people, statesmen and servants, plenipotentiaries and podiatrists to its metaphorical knees?
Television delivered the first smack in the kidneys back in the fifties. In a typical assault on the urban tissues, a sock-puppet named 'Sneaky Rochester' read the news on network television in the States while juggling a bag of nectarines. The direct knock-on effect is said to have cost the New York Post 35% of its readership. Such events were indicative of a general shift in mood in newspaper readers. The modern equivalent would be the Fox News Channel. Coincidentally, 'Sneaky Rochester' owns a sizable stake in Fox and has since retired to a luxury deck shoe in Florida.
Of course, nowadays the boogieman is the Internet. The advent of the world wide web is said to be the last nail in the coffin of the urban dailies. In a well-publicised survey, it was found that 56% of Americans got some or all of their information re the 2008 Presidential elections from a website. What is not generally known, however, was that the website was 'Naughty Congress Capers', a hard core pornographic site believed by federal authorities to be a front for a sinister group who share deviant macrame patterns.
In short, the fall of the newspaper has been overstated. As long as a computer screen cannot be folded into a workable pirate hat or rolled to provide a disciplinary tool for micturitionally challenged canines, the newspaper still has a role to play.
Thank you for your time.
