Dear All
As newly appointed Assistant Junior Minister for Climate Change (with particular responsibility for local weather) I would like to set out some of the initiatives we've been discussing down here at the ministry over hot milk and chocolate biscuits. Our mantra is 'Tough on climate, tough on the causes of climate.'
Having consigned global warming to the wicker receptacle marked 'excessive difficulty', a radical new approach is in the offing (or on the iffing if you will). The government will now focus on local weather, where it is felt change can be affected, if not effected. To this end, we will be introducing the following strategies in order to procure a positive outlook going forward with respect to the weather.
1. Those benefiting from warm to hot weather e.g. ice cream salespeople, vendors of visors bearing the names of local hardware stores and poikilotherms, will be required to pay a set charge for every degree over 25 degrees Celsius.
2. A royalty will be charged every time someone says,' Hot enough for you?', 'Geez, it's hot as hell today.', 'It's not the heat it's the humidity.' ,'Cor blimey, it's hot enough to cook a (insert name of foodstuff here) on the (insert name of flattish surface not normally employed in a culinary capacity)' or any similar invocation of the bleedingly obvious.
3. Anyone using a mobile phone during a film screening will be horsewhipped. This will have no effect on climate change, it just shits me off.
4. In midsummer, public servants will be paid to don Eskimo gear and walk down the street. They will walk up to members of the public and say, 'Brrr. Howdy stranger. Have you seen my husky?'
5. Weather systems not officially authorised to enter the country (including cold fronts, warm fronts, isobars and unseasonably freakish sleet) will be diverted to territories outside the Commonwealth of Australia where they will be processed in our own good time. We will decide what kind of weather comes to our country and under what circumstances. To this end, the Navy will patrol our northern waters armed with the latest in rather large thermonuclear umbrellas.
Should these strategies fail to have the desired effect, I will retreat to my igloo on the coast, turn up the air-con and re-read Dr Zhivago.
Thank you for your time.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
On Alternatives to Cars
Dear All
One or two nay-sayers of late have been muddying the waters in connection with the vexed question of global warming. The science of climate change is so clear even a four-year-old can understand it. In fact, here at the institute, one of our four-year-olds has just published an article "Reduction in volume of conical based dairy confectionary due to seasonal upward fluctuations in ambient temperature." He will be lecturing and answering questions next week, nap time and tantrums permitting.
Thankfully, the government has their best man on the job and will have the solution for us this time next week. Right after he works out where he left his spectacles. (Shh, their on top of his head. Don't tell, you'll spoil all the fun). In the meantime, we have located a leaked memo looking at one possible solution before the balloon goes up and we're all oven-baked to crinkle-cut goodness.
From: F. Montag
To: The Right Hon. Rupert E___________ Minister for Energy, Environment, Road Safety and Gastropoda.
Subject: Alternatives to Cars
Minister, you are of course aware of the popular momentum with regard to global warming. If not, there is an exectutive summary below*. One of the solutions we've been kicking around here at the ministry is the substitution of automobiles with other viable modes of transport. It would be remiss if I were not to point out that there is a conference in Riyadh next month on this very issue. Some of the possibilities being considered are petroleum powered bicycles, gas driven blimps, and oil-based space hoppers. Perhaps we should consider sending a delegation by government velociraptor.
On an unrelated matter, I think Josef K should be investigated by the Magistrate. He has been heard to openly criticise the Minister's taste in dental implants and poses a serious threat to national security.
* Evil industrialists are producing tonnes of carbon dioxide each day. Well, not the industrialists, per se, but rather the industries vouchsafed to them. Simultaneously, huge schools of the whales are being felled at the rate of three football pitches every second, or possibly minute with a concomitant rise in documentary crews and students dressed as koalas or grim reapers. The situation is no longer sustainable and a tipping point is estimated to be reached about, ooh, three weeks ago last Tuesday.
Thank you for your time.
One or two nay-sayers of late have been muddying the waters in connection with the vexed question of global warming. The science of climate change is so clear even a four-year-old can understand it. In fact, here at the institute, one of our four-year-olds has just published an article "Reduction in volume of conical based dairy confectionary due to seasonal upward fluctuations in ambient temperature." He will be lecturing and answering questions next week, nap time and tantrums permitting.
Thankfully, the government has their best man on the job and will have the solution for us this time next week. Right after he works out where he left his spectacles. (Shh, their on top of his head. Don't tell, you'll spoil all the fun). In the meantime, we have located a leaked memo looking at one possible solution before the balloon goes up and we're all oven-baked to crinkle-cut goodness.
From: F. Montag
To: The Right Hon. Rupert E___________ Minister for Energy, Environment, Road Safety and Gastropoda.
Subject: Alternatives to Cars
Minister, you are of course aware of the popular momentum with regard to global warming. If not, there is an exectutive summary below*. One of the solutions we've been kicking around here at the ministry is the substitution of automobiles with other viable modes of transport. It would be remiss if I were not to point out that there is a conference in Riyadh next month on this very issue. Some of the possibilities being considered are petroleum powered bicycles, gas driven blimps, and oil-based space hoppers. Perhaps we should consider sending a delegation by government velociraptor.
On an unrelated matter, I think Josef K should be investigated by the Magistrate. He has been heard to openly criticise the Minister's taste in dental implants and poses a serious threat to national security.
* Evil industrialists are producing tonnes of carbon dioxide each day. Well, not the industrialists, per se, but rather the industries vouchsafed to them. Simultaneously, huge schools of the whales are being felled at the rate of three football pitches every second, or possibly minute with a concomitant rise in documentary crews and students dressed as koalas or grim reapers. The situation is no longer sustainable and a tipping point is estimated to be reached about, ooh, three weeks ago last Tuesday.
Thank you for your time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)