On Alternatives to Cars

Dear All


One or two nay-sayers of late have been muddying the waters in connection with the vexed question of global warming. The science of climate change is so clear even a four-year-old can understand it. In fact, here at the institute, one of our four-year-olds has just published an article "Reduction in volume of conical based dairy confectionary due to seasonal upward fluctuations in ambient temperature." He will be lecturing and answering questions next week, nap time and tantrums permitting.


Thankfully, the government has their best man on the job and will have the solution for us this time next week. Right after he works out where he left his spectacles. (Shh, their on top of his head. Don't tell, you'll spoil all the fun). In the meantime, we have located a leaked memo looking at one possible solution before the balloon goes up and we're all oven-baked to crinkle-cut goodness.


From: F. Montag

To: The Right Hon. Rupert E___________ Minister for Energy, Environment, Road Safety and Gastropoda.

Subject: Alternatives to Cars


Minister, you are of course aware of the popular momentum with regard to global warming. If not, there is an exectutive summary below*. One of the solutions we've been kicking around here at the ministry is the substitution of automobiles with other viable modes of transport. It would be remiss if I were not to point out that there is a conference in Riyadh next month on this very issue. Some of the possibilities being considered are petroleum powered bicycles, gas driven blimps, and oil-based space hoppers. Perhaps we should consider sending a delegation by government velociraptor.

On an unrelated matter, I think Josef K should be investigated by the Magistrate. He has been heard to openly criticise the Minister's taste in dental implants and poses a serious threat to national security.


* Evil industrialists are producing tonnes of carbon dioxide each day. Well, not the industrialists, per se, but rather the industries vouchsafed to them. Simultaneously, huge schools of the whales are being felled at the rate of three football pitches every second, or possibly minute with a concomitant rise in documentary crews and students dressed as koalas or grim reapers. The situation is no longer sustainable and a tipping point is estimated to be reached about, ooh, three weeks ago last Tuesday.

Thank you for your time.