On the London Olympics

Dear All

Two years out from the next Olympics would seem to be a good time to take stock of what lies in store for London in 2012. Much attention has been focussed on the threat of terrorism. But of more concern surely is the predilection for the British to cheat. Now before the Times editorial team sharpen their goose-feathers in a collective flurry of spleen venting (mops at the ready, gentlemen! You'll never get those stains out without a little gumption etc.) one need only lightly peruse the historical record. Heavy perusal will probably chip the duco.


One need only cast one's mind back to the 1908 Olympics held in London. In a cheap bid to win more medals, British Olympic officials started events in 1907, 12 months before the arrival of other teams. Despite this duplicity, they still managed to be disqualified in two events. In the 1000m caprine steeplechase Lord Arqhuat and his goat, Ludovic, fell foul of the offside rule. In any event, Ludovic's non-regulation bathing cap was just asking for trouble.
Three days later, a member of the lacrosse team returned a positive test for choleric and was told to lighten up.



This despicable lack of sporting ethic was not dissipated by the arrival of the other teams. The Swedish team were given a false address and spent almost the entire time in a boarding house in Ealing, where a Miss Ponsonby entertained them with selections from Gilbert and Sullivan and her impersonations of famous Prussian comedians. The Bohemians were lured into a dodgy off-licence with the promise of cheap absinthe and the Greeks were bundled into a taxi and driven around Islington for two weeks with the intermittent promise that the Olympic Village was just around the next corner.

In the final reckoning, Great Britain won a total of 789 gold medals, despite there being only 110 events. Questions were raised in the House of Lords, but a royal commission of enquiry (somewhat peremptorily titled 'Groundless Accusations by Johnny Foreigner regarding the Stirling Performance of the King's Olympic Team') revealed nothing untoward, and awarded a further 5 gold medals to the British Team, including one for synchronised empire building.

My advice for other teams in 2012 is make sure you count all the silverware before you return home.

Thank you for your time