As the smoke starts to clear following the Democrat fracas, and it seems more and more plausible that the White House will be inhabited by a sentient being as of this November, thoughts are turning to what policy change might be in the air. The appalling state of the marmoset industry, the Virginian toast buttering scandal and foreign outsourcing of aglet production are just three domestic issues which must be addressed as a matter of the utmost urgency if the U.S. is to avoid going down the same road as Mesopotamia did in the 1950's. Of more concern to us in the outer-suburbs though is American foreign policy. I will summarise the three most pressing problems facing a future inhabitant of the Oval Office smoking jacket and fez.
1.The Middle East
Foreign policy has long been a spiny protuberance in the fleshy part of the lateral abdomen for American presidents since William Taft managed to lose both his wooden leg and South Dakota in a poker match with the Shah of Iran. With the aid of a good length of string, a compass and some sort of divining rod you can almost demonstrate a straight line from that incident to the current situation in the Middle East. In fact, mention the region in a room full of career diplomats and watch even the most hardened embassy jockey cough nervously, mutter something about an urgent podiatrist's appointment and quickly leave the room faster than you can say "geopolitical quagmire with the potential to destabilise multi-lateral relations on a quasi-global scale." And yet the solution is surprisingly simple. It's here somewhere. Maybe under these biscuits. No? Remind me to get back to it later.
2.The lesser of two axes of evil.
Taking action in regard to countries such as North Korea, Iran and Syria is fraught with dangers for the new statesperson. My advice is start off with slightly less formidable targets. Iceland and New Zealand both contain vast reservoirs of geo-thermal energy and as yet, have not admitted UN weapon inspectors. How long is such cheek to be endured? Damned insolent rotters!
3.The United Nations.
The dignity and efficacy of the UN needs to be restored. This can be achieved in three ways
(1) A greatly expanded Security Council with the chair being rotated on an annual basis.
(2) Greater accountability and more transparent administration at all levels
(3) The immediate removal of any countries with risible names that undermine the dignity of this august body - Burkina Faso, Uruguay and any country with at least one Z in its name would be the first to be given the pink slip and a map to the international dole office.
As a minor aside, perhaps the Dutch situation should be reviewed as well. Suspicion is growing in diplomatic ranks that Holland and the Netherlands are in fact one and the same country, and giving them two votes in the General Assembly is being a tad over-generous, no matter how much we all enjoy the sight of grown men in mahogany footwear.
Thank you for your time
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